so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
