My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
