Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
