you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
