saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
