i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
vagina is talking i cant
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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