so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
