I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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