So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
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how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
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Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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