I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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