no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
