Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
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dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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