the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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