i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
