1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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