Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize