I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
