nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
