i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
