Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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