First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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