Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
