Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
