i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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