you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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