I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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