Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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