I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
