To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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