Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
