Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
