Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
