Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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