I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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