How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
