and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
That was before I lit my hair on fire
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
