don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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