My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
