At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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