she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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