My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
