i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We have started to decorate penises.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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