My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
