Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
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I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
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I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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