I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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