Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Who died my cat blue again?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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