how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
