i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
