I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
