Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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