Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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