Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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