Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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