The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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