Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
