halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
