No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
