Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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