I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
