Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
